Saturday, November 03, 2007

My Nice Lady

So, my 7-minute meditation routine took a turn for the worst a couple of months back. Yeah, after the dreaded wait is over the officer obviously started getting the REJECTED message and I can see them panicking. I like to think it's because of my intimidating rapist look combined with the rejection message. So the new extended routine includes them picking up the phone and right away calling The Party Headquarters for guidance. Then they need to pass my name over the phone along with my other info so that this info can be prepared on a punch card and then fed to the Mainframe. Off course to make things more fun they pass my name letter by letter and they don't pronounce the letters they pick a name for EACH letter, military-style ......ah I almost feel I am at Guantanamo bay already.

As per my passport my full name has THIRTY-TWO letters, so yeah, it takes a while to pass my name. After a couple of exchanges on the phone, I get my passport back with a stamp. The annoying thing is that they are very rude, they don't say anything like: Sorry for the mix-up or We're sorry we have a crappy-ass Communist-era computer system or anything. So seeing this, I started giving them some attitude, like saying something in Arabic, waving my hands in the air or my all time favorite: the look. Yeah, giving them this look that says: I'm an Arab and I know people, does the name AlQaeda ring any bells, bitches?

After a couple of times, I made a deal with myself: since I am not planning on staying in this hellhole of a country any more (shhhhh it's a secret) I just shouldn't care any more and should take it lightly. So I started messing with the immigration officers, one time as I was coming in, after handing in the passport I told the officer: Hey, I think you'll need to call your pal to check my passport, it's going to take time, so I suggest you do it right away. The dude gave me this fuck-off look and then 2 mins he was embarrassed like hell as he picked up the phone to make the call. 1 point Fesh, 0 Frozen Wastelands.

Couple of days ago as I was coming back from Mancuria this lovely lady officer after completing the call, hands me my passport back and -in English- says: I am very sorry, I know you have to go thru this every time, all your documents are in order it's just that it's the process and we have to do it. Amazing how just a simple statement like this can automatically make you forget such an annoying situation, I am intrigued by my own fucked-up psyche.


embee said...

So what happened with the luggage this time ? Were you disappointed to find it on the convoyeur belt thingiebob?

Feshfesh said...

Nah, this was a direct flight. I didn't have my hopes up for losing it in the first place.

See the recipe for disaster is at least ONE connection. The probability of successful luggage loss is compounded by the number of connections. Add to the equation the connection time, to simplify I always factor in a cut-off factor, for connection times of 1 hour or more the coefficient is zero, thus eliminating this variable. Finally you need to factor in the airport/airline.. connecting via Frankfurt or Vienna is different than Milan or Budapest. It's a complex science my san....

NileGirl said...

Oohhh Fesh! Could this finally be your chance to get lucky with a Polish chick? I think she likes you.

I know it has nothing to do with the point of your post but when I see an opportunity I gotta go for it.

Jade said...

What about travelling to Egypt? Damn man! You know that landing card they make you fill out? If I fill it out in English - he has to add the Arabic, & vice versa - so I started writing both - so the officer would always scribble on it - get a new one to write it in himself with his kindergarten like handwriting - hand it over to the guy next to him with the pharaoh era computer - who cant understand shit from my Canadian passport & though this is his job, he still types with the one index pointy finger, letter by letter! & I must always get asked:
"You're originally Egyptian?"
"Can I see your beta2a?"
"Dont have one"
"Why not?"
"Live abroad/never got around to it"
"But why?"
"Couldnt be bothered? Is there a problem? Am I not allowed in as a Canadian?"
"What do you do in Dubai?"
"Marketing Manager"
"Why do you come to Egypt so often?"
"Miss ma Momma"

& it drags on & on... until I am finally released! As for my dad ya haram - his full name has 2 that match that of a "WANTED TERRORIST", believe it or not - one of them is MOHAMMED!!! Every single time - we get the alarmed looks - "Please step to the side sir" - people chatting, whispering, everyone just about ready to run for their lives before my Dad's bomb goes off....

URGH!! Ah man! Dont remind me - I'm going tonight!!!!

Matar Alexandria El Nozha - Here I Come!!!
(Please stop over 3andy, want you to answer a quick question law sama7t)

Munqy said...

"finally get lucky"?

Woman, you have much too little faith in our Fashafeesho. The man is a living Don Juan De Marco, as any number of Sheep would testify...

Nora said...

I thought he preferred cattle!!

Feshfesh said...

Hey! Hey! Hey! Settle down... let's get the facts right here:

1. Finally get lucky with a Polish chick?! Take that back man... you're damaging my equity. Oh, but she was a total MILF …..AWWWOOOO... *ahm*... I've been with older women before....

2. Munqy, I thought we had a deal, you provide the false testimonial and I cough-up a crisp 100 zloty bill? but noooo you had to throw the bit with the sheep in... deal is off man.

3. Nora, let's just say that I took the threesome concept to a new level.....

*pause for mental image to scar the reader for the rest of his/her life*


Feshfesh said...

Oh very true, bas the pathetic thing enno you fill this card as an Egyptian too?! and why THE FUCK don't we have lines for Egyptians? Anywhere I go I have to stand in the 'Others' line... this sucks ass.

Really man? They ask all of that shit? Why do they car, what if you're JUST Canadian? they shouldn't ask all of this... unless that's the officer hitting on you? Go for it man, en fatak elmiery mesh 7ayrga3 tany.. :D

Edda sucks ta7n for your dad, see that's the thing I hate, I get this crappy treatment in a lot of places and it really hurts when you get it where you call HOME... I'm sorry about that but I guess I know a bit how it feels, I have been profiled as a drug dealer at least twice.. one of them in Romania :D

OH and I've read your post will answer ASAP! Very kool if I may add ! :)

Nora said...

Thanks for the scar..

Life will never be the same again!!!

You have robbed me of my innocence...


Feshfesh said...

Just doing my job mam...just doing my job.