Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Blog Bitch! Blog!

I haven't been blogging that much recently. I think it has to do with my new career as a renowned writer. No, no not that I'm rich and powerful now and "blogging" is below me. I'm a few weeks away from that, it's something else. Now between the internal newsletter I contribute to and The Warsaw Insider, I have SO many deadlines. Not only the deadlines but also the fact that I'm expected to be funny with anything I write. My topics too are boxed now. For the internal newsletter it has to be work-related and not evilly sarcastic (what a waste?) and for the Warsaw Insider it has to amuse the readers about the Dilbert-style situations at the office. So now whenever I get time to write I don't blog but rather work on my articles... ugh... I guess that's how marriage feels like.

So there you have it, this is why I have been snobing you lately and not writing regularly, although I have like 10 posts in draft. I want to go back to blogging whenever I wanted about whatever I wanted, instead of having to corner my twisted mind to certain topics and write with a deadline... I need to get me some alone time with my blog... yess.. yesssss... oh the sick things I'd blog about... BOLAHAHAHAHAHA!

Friday, November 23, 2007

The BILF Hunter: Fesh

[Dudettes, if the title doesn't ring any bells, ask your boyfriends. Dudes, if the title doesn't ring any bells, update your porn collection.]

It's true, I've been hunted by Jade (The BILF Hunter) in her latest episode. It's very flattering considering I'm quite repulsive in the real world.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Normalized Fesh

I'm a big fan of debates, a few days back I tune to the Egyptian Satellite Channel (the acronym is ESC, ironic right?) and there was this talk show and they announced they'll be debating Normalization (i.e. eltatbeye3) next. The background on this one is simple, although Egypt has a peace treaty with Israel and therefore we have a political relationship, whether or not we should venture into normalizing other aspects of a mutual relationship like cultural, economic or academic is still a very touchy topic. To say that what followed was the most unprofessional, biased and lowest form of debate I have ever seen in my life is a gross understatement. Here are my very simple expectations going into the debate:
1. It will be professional.
2. Both points of view will be tackled.
3. I will learn something about Normalization with Israel.

First, there was no content as the anchor was picking on a few incidents like showing an Egyptian movie in Israel and just attacking the director of the movie, who was one of the guests. Second, I thought that the director was actually FOR normalization, which would have added some value to the debate. But later I discovered that surprisingly all 3 guests were against Normalization! Third, the anchor was clearly biased and was making sure that everyone agreed that Normalization with Israel is definitely the 8th original sin. Finally, the dumbass anchor, ended the debate with this line: Normalization should go to hell!

After 60 seconds of staring blankly at the screen I realized that this is it! I always wondered how it would feel to be mentally violated, over and over and over. That must be it.

I walked away not understanding WHY we shouldn't normalize, apart from the sheer emotional hate of the Zionist Zombies? How do we expect to progress and solve any of the outstanding fundamental points of difference we have with Israel without REACHING OUT and COMMUNICATING? All of this emotionally-charged 'No for Normalization' reminded me when in the early days of Israel, the Arab Leaders were in cease-fire talks with their Israeli counterparts and the Arab leaders refused to acknowledge or even talk directly to the Israelis! Did we learn anything from Sadat? On his own initiative he flew to Israel to resolve the issues and seal a peace treaty that returned to Egypt every single inch of its land. What ended the Cold War? Was it a policy of complete and utter isolation towards USSR or was it continuous dialog?

But screw all of that, your typical Arab will always hate the 'Satan-backed State of Israel' and unless they:
1. Returned Jerusalem to Palestine.
2. Returned the Golan Heights to Syria.
3. Allowed Palestinians abroad to come back to Palestine.
5. Stopped all acts of violence against Palestinians and Arabs.
6. Released all prisoners, Palestinian and Arab.
7. Erased the State of Israel from the map (this one is becoming a bit optional now, but highly preferable).

We will not normalize with them evil baby-eating Jews. I think this makes perfect sense, let's wait on that to happen.

Friday, November 16, 2007


I kicked-off my uber 6-month health plan in July with the objective of losing 10 KGs. I am glad to report that with only 6 weeks to go I am @ 80% of my target!

*The crowd cheers..

Settle down, settle down, this by no mean undermines my Feshyness. I am and will always be Big Fesh, I am just slightly lighter now... that's all. Now, I will be opening the floor for some questions. Please note that I will not be answering any questions regarding the following two topics:
A. How much do I weight now or before I lose those 8 KGs.
B. How much are those 8KG's as a % of my weight.

Yes, pls the lady at the back of the room....yes you with The Daily Obese, pls go ahead.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Bicycle Lover

Recently there have been a couple of interesting stories about psychos having sex with weird things. I remember reading about the dude who had sex with a road sign? Aren't those signs sharp and metaly? But the most interesting one is that one, sex with a bicycle! The article explains that the 'offender' was discovered in a hostel by the cleaning staff. After knocking on the door and not getting any reply, they used the master key to get in only to find the dude nekked and pleasuring his bicycle. If you think this is weird enough, wait it get better. The first thing the cleaning staff did was call the Police! Why call the police, after walking in on a a 51-year old dude nekked with his johnson stuck in a bicycle? Here are my best guesses:
A. The cleaning staff couldn't tell if the bicycle was of the legal age or not.
B. The dude actually asked them to call the police because he was trying to get freaky with the bicycle and ended up stuck in between the gears.

Help me understand how is walking in on this pervert any different from walking in on a dude in his hotel room while he's masturbating? Don't you think cleaning staff do walk in on folks doing all sorts of weird stuff all the time? Do you think they report them? Do you read about people discovered masturbating in their hotel rooms everyday? No you don't. This case aint different, clearly he's a very sad sad old man, whose life is already down the drain (he lives in a hostel and has a casual relationship with a bicycle?). But yeah, I can see the cleaning dude's angle: Oh well why not report his ass to the police, so that he's first violated in the media and then thrown in prison only to become someone else's 'bicycle'.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Lord of the Fesh

Legend has it that ships brought the Elves from the West to Middle-fesh. Munqy, an Elven Lord, befriended Fesh Bombadil and introduced him to the saga of Lord of the Rings. Fesh was initially skeptical and repeatedly mocked Munqy for his nerdy taste. Months later the cold winter nights of the Frozen Wastelands forced Fesh to acquire the Lord of the Rings trilogy (in print format) and read it. Fesh's amazingly slow reading speed meant that he kept on reading the books till the following summer. As Fesh put down the last of the three books, he knew that his world will never be the same. Middle-fesh too will never be the same, it was then that the First Age of Middle-fesh ended.

In the Second Age of Middle-fesh, ShadShad, of the Dwarves shares Fesh's dream of holding a 12-hour-long Lord of the Rings movie marathon. On a Saturday morning, Fesh embarked on a perilous journey to cross Middle-fesh and arrived safely at the Northern Caves, where ShadShad dwelt. As Fesh entered the Northern Caves he was drawn to the DVD boxset of the Extended Edition of Lord of the Rings, Fesh held it up close and hissed: my preccccciiiioooouuuussssssss. The marathon started at noon and the by the stroke of midnight the marathon was over and with it ended the Second Age of Middle-fesh.

The Third Age of Middle-fesh started with Fesh's Journey to Mordor (a.k.a. London). Fesh first stopped at Rivendell (a.k.a. Manchester) where he met aku the Grey and there the Fellowship of the Fesh was formed. The Two Companions left Rivendell and set off for Mordor. They arrived on a cold Saturday noon where they met Lady Gogoladriel. Together Fesh Bombadil, aku the Grey and Lady Gogoladriel entered Mt. Doom and there they cast the One Ring into the fire. On that Saturday afternoon, after the curtains were closed the Third Age of Middle-fesh has passed and the dominion of The Fesh began.

[If you didn't understand anything from the above, here's the summary: I read the Lord of the Rings books in like 9 months, thanks to Munqy for recommending! I then watched all 3 DVDs (extended edition) on one day, pls spare me the nerd jokes. Thanks ShadShad for arranging that! Finally I watched the biggest theater production of Lord of the Rings in London, which was awesome. Thanks aku and Gogo!]

Saturday, November 03, 2007

My Nice Lady

So, my 7-minute meditation routine took a turn for the worst a couple of months back. Yeah, after the dreaded wait is over the officer obviously started getting the REJECTED message and I can see them panicking. I like to think it's because of my intimidating rapist look combined with the rejection message. So the new extended routine includes them picking up the phone and right away calling The Party Headquarters for guidance. Then they need to pass my name over the phone along with my other info so that this info can be prepared on a punch card and then fed to the Mainframe. Off course to make things more fun they pass my name letter by letter and they don't pronounce the letters they pick a name for EACH letter, military-style ......ah I almost feel I am at Guantanamo bay already.

As per my passport my full name has THIRTY-TWO letters, so yeah, it takes a while to pass my name. After a couple of exchanges on the phone, I get my passport back with a stamp. The annoying thing is that they are very rude, they don't say anything like: Sorry for the mix-up or We're sorry we have a crappy-ass Communist-era computer system or anything. So seeing this, I started giving them some attitude, like saying something in Arabic, waving my hands in the air or my all time favorite: the look. Yeah, giving them this look that says: I'm an Arab and I know people, does the name AlQaeda ring any bells, bitches?

After a couple of times, I made a deal with myself: since I am not planning on staying in this hellhole of a country any more (shhhhh it's a secret) I just shouldn't care any more and should take it lightly. So I started messing with the immigration officers, one time as I was coming in, after handing in the passport I told the officer: Hey, I think you'll need to call your pal to check my passport, it's going to take time, so I suggest you do it right away. The dude gave me this fuck-off look and then 2 mins he was embarrassed like hell as he picked up the phone to make the call. 1 point Fesh, 0 Frozen Wastelands.

Couple of days ago as I was coming back from Mancuria this lovely lady officer after completing the call, hands me my passport back and -in English- says: I am very sorry, I know you have to go thru this every time, all your documents are in order it's just that it's the process and we have to do it. Amazing how just a simple statement like this can automatically make you forget such an annoying situation, I am intrigued by my own fucked-up psyche.