Saturday, October 20, 2007

Fesh Factor 2.0

After my successful pitch for a column at our internal newsletter, I decided to explore if the world was ready for some of my sick sick articles. The victim was: The Warsaw Insider. A monthly life-style magazine, that's targeted at expat and foreigners living in Warsaw. I approached the editor and she asked me to draft something that is around 600 words! Now, this is longer than my average post, but I went thru my old work and pieced together something ..........and wasn't expecting much. Got a call-back, it will run in November edition!

I give you a sneak peek of the upcoming Fesh Factor article in the Warsaw Insider magazine:

The Fesh Factor


In my 5 years with the Evil Corporation, I’ve seen busy. You know, those weeks when your world is falling apart and you wonder who mysteriously left half of yesterday’s pizza on the porch and you discover the dog in the microwave. But recently I’ve noticed that everyone at the office is busy all the time. And I mean everyone, be it the Global Operations Director or that new hire working on that amazingly-stupid-and-dangerously-brain-cell-reducing project. According to a recent survey, 9 out of 10 corporate employees have answered ‘Yes’ when they were asked: Do you consider yourself busy? Okay, so I made that bit about the survey up. I needed to add some creditability to my article and I was too lazy to look it up online, you got me.

I guess it’s another one of those corporate stereotypes. Overtime, this stereotype got associated with young hot-shots who make it big and skip the ladder and jump on the corporate elevator, they were always busy, right? So more and more of us Homo Corporatuses (Man The Corporate Offices Dweller) are aspiring to that level of busyiness. We consider it a measure of how successful we are, if we are more busy, chances are we are more successful. We chose to be busy, even subconsciously. More importantly we chose to let other people know that we are busy. It’s become a status symbol, like driving a Beemer or wearing a Bottega Veneta.

So at that point you can more or less classify yourself as a busyitoid or a non-busytoid. If you’re a busytoids then excellent, keep up the good work. If you are unfortunate enough to discover that you’re a non-busytoids, now is the right time to panic. Chances are, your boss is thinking to fire you at this very same moment because you’re not acting busy enough at work. But fear no more, I’m here to help transform you into a high performance busyitoid. Here’s my quick 5-point rough guide:

  1. Whenever someone is passing you in the corridor and says: Hey, how's everything? always answer: Busy, busy!
  2. Don't answer mails on time, and when someone asks you about the mail they sent you, complain for 5 mins about the 700 mails you get daily. They don't know you get 10 messages half of which from people you don’t know offering you different ‘miracle products’ to enlarge your penis.
  3. Don't get back to voice mails, you will sound very needy if you answer back, and what are you going to say: I'm returning your call! That's just a reputation killer.
  4. Always block your calendar even if you don't have meaningful stuff to do. For example: 9:00-10:00 stare at the screen mindlessly; 10:00-11:00 think about my happy place ...etc. Makes you seem very busy for people wanting to book you.
  5. Most importantly, always, always show up late for meetings. Come in with a pill of papers and spend the first 5 mins explaining how today is a "crazy day".

You follow this guide for 4-6 weeks and I promise you that your chances of promotion will at least double!

You should probably also know that a few of us busytoids have realized how much of a joke all of this is, after living this lie for so long. We searched and found our ‘blue pill’ out of this lie. We live in secrecy in the corporate offices, hiding, waiting. It’s easy to spot us though, we’re one of the few remaining people in the corporate offices who when asked: How is everything? We still answer, with a smile: Fine, how about you?


Are you a busytoid? Write me @


NileGirl said...

I remember when this post first came out! See? I was there at the begining, supporting you all the way... If you start acting famous 3aleena wi tinsana ana hafakarak inta kunt feen wi ba'eet feen ya fesh :P It's like the people that used to get their makwa done 3and sha3bolla before he became famous. They still remember his good old makwa days...

Feshfesh said...

You know to much.


Mamdouh said...

I'm ... what's the right word... intrigued? by the emails you subscribe to!


Feshfesh said...

Damn Freudian slips.... and just fyi none of those products work :S

Jade said...

*Jade lifts her chin up & gives a nodding approval to Fesh's writing style*

"Not bad ya walad, but I am sorry - I will not be able to participate in your little survey here since my point of view wont count.

See my boy…. I sit on the other side of the fence. You know the "busy because I am successful & rich" side.
So I amidst my meetings & travels, I asked my Chinese assistant with the tall legs to drop you this note on my behalf to let you know that I congratulate you for making it to another mediocre publication, but nevertheless – with a bit of polishing here & there, you might have a shot at your future.

Good luck!

kama said...

ur like an egipcian version of carrie bradshaw from 'sex and the city'. no sex included.
go for it, baby! good lck with your writing! :)

Feshfesh said...

See Jade, this is why you won't be on the invite list for my uber pool partAAAy. Yeah, soon I'll move to my new Mansion, with my publishing-money . Yes, it will be like one of them 50 Cent videos.... and YOU will not be invited...

*Fesh looks to Jade's Chinese assistant..

Hey, wanna come?

Feshfesh said...

Kama, why do you always have to masacar the word 'Egyptian' when you write it? First, you need to capitalize the letter. Second, THERE IS NO 'i' in the ENGLISH VERSION! Yes in Polski version maybe. Third, No freaken 'c'!

ugh...I hate you already.

...and HEY... I get some know....sometime... maybe every now and then ....*sob*

Nora said...

Sorry the comment is so late.. but I have just been so busy. You know when you feel like you have a million things to do a day! Agghh, being so important is not easy!!

Anyway, I have perfected the art of looking busy when in fact I am doing nothing!! Disguised unemplyment is the best lifestyle!!!

Feshfesh said... are The One the prophecy speaks of then! Teach us Mighty One, the ways of the busy life.

*Fesh shaves his head, gets into one of them funky colored monk robes and sits on the floor.

Jade said...

Hi Fesh, I'm Miss. Stranger's Chinese Assistant - I came here to report back if you had left any messages for her & found your invite.

Thanks - it's sweet of you - but I must actually go to another Play Boy Mansion Party with her - she needs me to schedule all her interviews with the media...

But maybe later we can grab a coffee? Luckily she approved my holiday for June 2009 - so maybe if you are free then - we can get together?

I think you are really cute :)

Nora said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nora said...

Sorry, I'm too busy to teach you now!

You must learn the ways of the busy life on your own.
It is a rite of passage and you must figure it out!
You have been trained well.. and you must depend on yourself to complete the rest of your journey...

Feshfesh said...

*Fesh spotting the opportunity and knowing that -chances are- by June 2009 he'd STILL be a single whore, jumps on it.

Oh yes! June 2009 is excellent, shall we maybe schedule something Monday (I actually checked it out, don't believe me? Check it for yourself) June 1st @ 9 am? coffee?

Feshfesh said...

*Fesh now 'Grasshopper' The Mighty One's young apprentice

but....but.... I am not ready O Mighty One... I ....I occasionally when asked busy? I -wrongly- answer: Tell me? ... I know I should improve ...but I am not there yet Sensei. Don't leave me alone!

Munqy said...

Very fitting, I thought.

Jade said...

Hey Fesh,

I just came to let you know that I fired my assistant & have given her the blue pill that deletes her entire memory so I dont believe she will be contacting you again.

I told that bitch to stop flirting with my men & smoking my stash!

Sorry about your date.

Feshfesh said...

Hehehehehe... man, where art thou now? Europa? Espania? back to Dubbizile?

Jade said...

Back to Dubizzle my boy...