Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Day Shaking Ceased To Be Enough

Scene I: A dimly lite bathroom. Fesh is standing at a urinal with his back facing the camera. As Fesh is wrapping up, the bathroom attendant approaches the Fesh, something is in his hand. Fesh notices the attendant and tracks him with the corner of his eye to ensure he doesn't get within penis-viewing distance. The attendant gets uncomfortably close and hands something to Fesh.

The attendant: Etfadal ya basha. [Here you go]
Fesh: uhm...shoukran? [Thanks?]

Fesh zips-up and turns around, he's holding a piece of toilet paper. He quickly uses the toilet paper to wipe his hands before throwing it away. The attendant is not amused. Fesh washes his hands and exits.

Scene II: A lively, packed open air nightspot. Shisha smoke fills the air and everyone is enjoying this breezy summer night. Fesh appears from the far left, coming out of the bathroom. He makes his way to the table, with a few friends laughing.

Fesh: The weirdest thing just happened!
Freind #1: What?
Fesh: This dude at the bathroom approached me as I was peeing and handed me a piece of toilet paper! What the hell?
Friend #2: and..?
Fesh: Don't you guys find this weird! I was going to wash my hand eitherway! So what's the use of the toilet paper!
Friend #3: err... dude, the toiler paper is for you to wipe the tip after you're done!
Fesh: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA... no seriously?
Friend #1, 2, 3....7: Yeap.
Fesh: Oh.

The above actually happened, so, what the hell? Was there a memo that I missed or something? My understanding was that shaking gets the trick done, now it's no longer the case? When did that happen!

But let's not dwell on the past, seeing that the word will soon be out that I aint a wiper, I need to do some damage control. What kind of faux pas are we talking here? Is it the small, tolerable, he-used-the-wrong-fork kind? Or the bigger ones like taking a huge dump on your girlfriend's mother's cat (don't ask.)? And do you think the society will accept me as an openly non-wiper or I will need to live in fear of prosecution and have to fake-wipe?

It's always a shock when something so personal, like peeing, changes. Ahhhh...the good old days when I was not judged by bathroom attendants for not wiping. Why did shaking cease to be enough?

Scene III: It's raining. Fesh falls to his knees, hands stretched towards the sky. Camera zooms out quickly.

Fesh: WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY?!

19 comments:

BaTaBeeT said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

E7m... i'm not a fan of non wipers... and yeah its a social suicide being out in the air :D

Munqy said...

Ew, you're a non-wiper.

P.S. Shaking is sufficient only if you have little weeny problems. Well-endowed folk, such as yours truly, need a bit more cleaning.

Feshfesh said...

*ahm*

*Fesh quickly deletes the post to hide his shame.

But Munqy, did you consider the fact that my shlong might be SO massive that the momentum it gains from a small shake can propel stuff into orbit around Earth? Think about that.... and if you need help imagining my shlong you need to watch a movie that aku recommended: One Eyed Monster.

Superluli said...

superluli opens her small notepad and scratches Fesh's name from list of potential 3arees lo2ta.. sigh

Feshfesh said...

You cross me of the list for that! You have no idea man, I'd cross myself from my own list for many, many other things! :D

Superluli said...

lol. it's ok my standards are a little high. you see i expect those on my list to use water too in addtion to the toilet paper....

superluli opens yellowpages.com types 'therapy cairo' hit search button

Feshfesh said...

HA! Okay, here's the thing. We did a back-of-the-envelope calculation and turns out like only 1%-4% only wipe with toilet paper. So if we assume 50% of those also wash, then good luck finding the potential 3areeis in 0.5%-2% of men.

And just to make you feel extra down, those who wipe and wash are actually too neat to be straight, so, really good luck with that!

Superluli said...

so my options are a guy who doesn't do the water thing or a guy who doesn't do girls?

why isn't that help line picking up goddamn it!

*superluli inches a little closer to the ledge

Feshfesh said...

Well, to be brutally honest, your chances are a guy who doesn't wipe or use water at all, since we are the overwhelming majority (96%-99%). Bas if you start to get into the wipers/washers you are inching away from the hardcore straight ones... so venture at your own risk.

*Fesh keeps the help-line busy.

Superluli said...

*lightbulb flashing

would withholding sex work as a bargaining tool?

Feshfesh said...

Ah.... that's a tricky question to answer. If I say yes, then I'm giving you a tool to fight our way of life as non-wipers. If I say no then, well, I'd be lying.

Superluli said...

i guess i'll just have to make it worth his while then, if you know what i mean ;)

*superluli has an evil smile on her face and is rubbing her hands together

Munqy said...

I have said all there is to say on FB. May you enjoy the rest of your days with a chapped weinee.

Feshfesh said...

That's just wiping envy. You'd wish you could shake your way out of it too, but you're addicted to the tissue. And remember, next step: peeing sitting down.

Munqy said...

Yeah, yeah, whatever, you're just lazy. Next time you'll just pee with your pants still on, I now it.

Hang on a second, how dare you mention peeing, you who peed on a sleeping woman once?

***ECHELON*** said...

>>BEGIN TRANSMISSION<<

WE ARE NOT AMUSED.

>>END TRANSMISSION<<

Feshfesh said...

Munqy, how dare you mention that-which-we-do-not-speak-of?

Our Overlords @ ECHELON, I am sorry papi...
*Fesh gets nekked and starts to juggle bowling pins.

Jade said...

Oh Fesh My Darling...
Come here... for I have missed you so much...

Feshfesh said...

*Fesh runs to Jade
Dont believe anything that Munqy says, it's all lies! LIES I TELL YA!