Gifts

I hate gifts, they hate me back and we have this thriving mutual disrespect. I overthink gifts, I keep thinking about the pros and cons of every gift idea and at the end I can't decide which is really the best one. This issue only happens when I'm giving gifts, with me I know exactly what I need *Fesh pets his uberPod*.

So, back in December we were having this traditional Frozen Wastelandees Christmas dinner at work. As the Wastelanders enjoyed their cold fish, coated with gelatin and smothered with pig fat, I imagined myself at my happy place (Burger King) and tried to kill time by trying to guess the gender of the person from the present they got. We were doing this secret Santa thing where each person gets a gift and then we redistribute them randomly. Here are my observations:

• Two small Christmas tree decorations put in a small paper bag. => Guy present.
• A Festive paperbag with a mug (which in turn was wrapped in a different gift wrapping) inside and then inside the mug a little plastic bag with 3 small Christmas tree decorations. Oh and the dead giveaway: the paperbag was sellotaped-shut. => Girl present.
• 50ml bottle of vodka not wrapped in anything. => Guy present.
  

I know. I'm good.

Random Conversations #59123

I got inspired by Eureka to post some of the weird conversations I have with my friends. I decided to post this one, which happened on the Walls of Facebook:

Fesh: HEY! I demand some lovin'. Leaving a bruder freezing like that in the Frozen Wastelands with no lovin'... SHAME...SHAME!
Beco: *Beco stands next Fesh looking down like emperor penguins
Fesh: *Fesh lays an egg.
Beco: KHEYAAAAAAAANAH!
Beco: hey did you ever wonder how birds do it? I mean with dogs its doggie style.. what about birds?!?! Birddie style?! and how does that look? Not a right conversation to have on a wall ey?
Fesh: No no.. it's the perfect conversation to have... so in my mind the Birddie-style entails the use of the wings... so they are hovering in the air and the wing flapping is moderating... you know...*ahm*.. the rhythm?
Beco: hmmm.. interesting look on things.. have you noticed that everything is kinda doggie style?!? cats - dogs - cows - deer.. why was it attributed to the dog?!?
Fesh: pffffff... pls.. that is so simple... why do we call things Feshfeshy though they might be Fesh-related or not? It's the same reason really... think about it...
Beco: touche.. I am not worthy to be in the path of your infinite wisdom! Thank you sense
......but if you really think about it.. anything called Feshfeshy, usually is fesh related.. puny, hairy & questionable!!
Fesh: ...and the student becomes the master. You are ready.

Bloggers Anonymous

I don't get it. Why does everything have to be so anonymous on the Blogosphere? Most bloggers refrain from using their real names or real nicknames. Some bloggers even live their alter ego online. Why is that? Why is it that the bloggers 'real' friends are always reduced to capital letters like 'K' or 'H' or 'M'? or fake descriptive nicknames like 'AngelEyes'?

One explanation is that the blogger is considerate of the privacy of their friends and don't want to mention their real names/nicknames. But, when you tell such a story in real life, you either don't mention your friends (if their role is not important) or you mention them because it's important to the story. I never recall having heard a story from a person, even if I JUST met and I know nothing about him, that went: So I was with my friend, let's call her "B". Right? So why is it that when this same story is being told to the same random people but now on the Blogosphere suddenly it has to be riddled with Capital Letter People?

You can argue that, unlike a story to a random person over a drink in a bar, the story 'sticks' on the Blogosphere. That is, it will be there for years to come documented and neatly indexed by Google (all hail our Overlord). Which is true, but then again, why doesn't the blogger opt for not mentioning who exactly from thier friends, I don't see how knowing that this friend can be refereed to as "K" adds to the plot line? Do you think it's just to feel that they are still in control? An internal power struggle in the blogger's head since they are exposing SO much on thier blog that they want to feel they are still in control and holding back on something? Like their real names or their friends'?

Coffee HIGH

MUST.
NOT.
INDULGE.
IN.
ITALIAN.
COFFEE.

*Fesh dies.

Vote For Your Favorite City!

Came across this today, Monopoly is asking people to vote for their favorite cities to include them in the next release of Monopoly. So kool! Vote!

Black Fesh 7.0

(We Will CRUSH Them)

Black Fesh 6.0

When Fesh left the creepy old man's dungeon, he wasn't smiling. There was no familiar smoke figure above the chimney either. The old man leveled with Fesh, the Ivorians have reached him before Fesh did. When Fesh offered to double or triple whatever the Ivorians were paying, the old man explained that it was too late. Fesh understood when he saw on the old man's desk the familiar figure:
There is no way they can overcome the spell cast against them now. It's almost impossible.... yet miracles happen.

Olympic Fesh

When Wikilink makes it to the Olympics, I'm going to be Egypt's (and probably the world's) first nerd-turned-Olympian. I might not be the fastest on the pitch or the best with those freakishly fast tennis/ squash/ basketball/ volleyball balls, but damn it I have the excellent motor skills for Wikilink. I have trained all my life for this! As soon as the race starts I become one with the keyboard, the mouse and the scroller wheels and I fall into the reality of ht Wiki, a reality I like and feel comfortable in. It's true that I might not know all the ways of the Wiki that Master Munqy do. But I will learn.. and mark my words, when that day comes I'll be right there on the podium.

Black Fesh 5.0

So are you sure this time? Asked the the creepy old man as he added the dented golden hoof to the mix. Oh, yes, I'm sorry about last time. I must have confused you. Explained Fesh. Confused me?! Repeated the old man. Your weak soul is not capable of this. NOW... take this and microwave it just before the game starts. Should do the effect.

Fesh put the stinky package into this microwave, turned the knob to high and set the timer for 5 mins, as the old man recommended. At around 4 mins and 37 seconds the cover popped open and the gooey matter stained the glass with this pattern:

(oh, I forgot to ask the old man for a spell for Cameroon, but I'm confident Tunisia will send the Lions home tonight)

Black Fesh 4.0

The creepy old man went into his small room and closed the door behind him. As he turned on the lights a cold voice came from behind him: I've been expecting you. The old man turned sharply to find Fesh sitting on his desk petting a white chihuahua. A pale smile came across the old man's face as he approached Fesh: Look, regarding the last spell, after you left Jade showed up and she.. Fesh interrupted: The sick sick things you do for Jade do not interest me... and I haven't come here for an explanation. Then why did you come here? Your game is tomorrow? Fesh threw the chihuahua away and walked towards him saying: Our game we'll talk tomorrow. Now, I have put a lot of money on today's games. I want to be sure there will be no surprises.

After Fesh left, the old man opened the the envelop he left for him. Inside were two small postcards. It is going to be an easy spell, thought the old man.

The Fesh Factor: Jan 08

I give you The Fesh Factor article for January 2008. Proudly sponsored by Twinings Green Tea.
(you can enlarge the picture by clicking on it and it opens up in full screen)
..and the actual article:
Hail me, for EyE R STILL DAS UBER Published Fesh.

Black Fesh 3.0

Fesh watched as the creepy old man mixed a combination of black beetle concentrate, green monkey testicles, golden scorpion legs and dried-up red rat eyes. A small hunchback figure emerged from the corner of the dark room, with the last ingredient: a bold eagle's unhatched egg. Fesh, now a regular client of the old man, knew that he doesn’t like to be disturbed as he works. So Fesh left the payment on the desk and quickly left the underground dungeon. As Fesh walked away he suddenly realized that if they win today they’ll qualify as first of the group and thus meet Ivory Coast in the semifinals! A highly unfavorable situation especially considering Ivory Coast's performance this tournament! But if they lose today, they would qualify as second of the group and they’ll –probably- have a much easier team in the semifinals! In a way, by losing today they might book their ticket to the finals! Fesh realizing the huge mistake he has done quickly turns back, only to find that it was too late. A familiar smoke figure hung above the old man’s chimney:

My Evil uberPod

I've always believed that my uberPod has an evil sense of humor, maybe it's the way it silently mocked me when I wasn't looking. Maybe it's my ever-growing inferiority complex. But yesterday I think I got the hard evidence I was looking for. Here's the story:

I arrived at elCairo's International Airport at 2am and for the next 6+ hours, as I journyed via Budapest to the Frozen Wastelands, I would be listening to my uberPod's exquisite selection of songs. I have kept it on 'shuffle' for all those 6 hours and exactly 2 minutes before landing at the Frozen Wastelands Madona's 'Frozen' starts playing! I looked at its screen in disbelif thinking only one thing: touché.

Frozen Wastelands, Here I Come!

Yup, my days in sunny elCairo passed like a blink of an eye! I'm feeling lucky about my luggage this time. I feel it's going to arrive safely at the belt there. I guess we'll see! :)

Black Fesh 2.0

The return to the underground dungeon where the old creepy man lived was not easy. Fesh knew he needed the old man's services once more. Fesh reviewed what he'd say to the creepy old man word-by-word as he went down the stairs. The old man looked up, his face pleasantly surprised: So although they are no match for you, you still come to me? Fesh quickly sat down and recited the answer he has been practicing all the way: I haven't come here to ask you for a spell to win. I have come to ask you for a spell to humiliate them, they need to lose so bad they'll regret sharing a border with us for the rest of their lives! ....Fesh hesitated for a second and added: I'm talking of a 5 goal difference win. Can you help me?

The old man nodded and got to work mixing a red liquid with a black one in a pot over the the fire. Fesh not sure if he should leave now or not hesitated and quietly stood up. The old man quickly looked in his direction and barked: BEGONE! As Fesh stumbled across the room he saw, with the corner of his eye, the old man pulling something out of a jar labeled: Green Monkey Testicles and throwing it in the mix.

Fesh breathed deeply as he stepped outside, trying to clear his lungs of the dungeon's stink. Looking up, he could see the creepy old man's chimney and above it hung an eerie smoke figure:
Fesh smiled, assured that They are under the old man's spell now.

Can't Help it...

Me: is it too soon to take a shot at this Frozen Wastelandese military aircraft that crashed after the officers on board just completed a conference on flight safety?

ViH: you're a sick sick freak... people died!

Me: I know, I know.. I'm sorry, maybe in a couple of month? Like a joke with the 'flight safety conference' bit as the punch-line?

ViH: you disgust me.

Me: okay, OKAY... fine.. I'll shut up.

Black Fesh

The creepy old man removed a drowsy bat from a jar and slit its throat; its highly viscous greenish blood oozed out on the table. Fesh flinched at the disgusting sight and didn't notice as the old man threw in some red dried-up rat eyes and some golden scorpion legs. The mix, now stirred by the old man, strangely looked like this:
The old man looked up and whispered in a frail voice: Fear not, they are under my spell. Fesh hesitated as he drew out a small sack from his pocket and asked: Are you...uhm..sure? The old man banged his hand on the table with one quick move that seemed to be at odds with his worn-out looks and yield: DON'T EVER QUESTION ME! Almost falling over from his chair, Fesh quickly got on his feet and handed the old man the sack. As Fesh left the underground dungeon he had a grin on his face, quickly looking at his watch he knew it was only 30 mins away.

My uberPod

I have always been loyal to the Party. I joined the Party back in the golden years. Ah, the year was 1995 and we have just introduced a new way of working with computers. Clearly, the future was ours. Some thought we were becoming more evil, but we believed we're doing what's best for everyone. There were setbacks along the way, some have succumbed to the Open Source Revolution ...disgusting failures. Yet we prevailed.

The biggest threat came form the capitalist fruits. We watched them enviously as they built their empire on the other side of The Wall that came to divide the cyberworld. We could see them swaying the hearts of millions. And then it happened, they introduced the miracle machine that could actually run their operating system along with ours! Then it was clear that the end was insight. I knew that if there was any chance of defecting, it was now....

[1 year later]

... it's so beautiful. The elven script on it's shinny back glows in elCairo's sun and reads:

Fesh pets his uberpod:
my preccccccciiioooooouuuussssssssssssssssss

It's true, I have been lured to the Dark Side and now I'm one of them fruits. I am now one of the millions of zombies that roam the earth every day in their own little bubbles. I am a slave to The White Earbud. I am a proud owner of an uberPod.

The Stupidity of The Masses

Facebook usually exposes to me how stupid the average Facebookian is. Few months back I stumbled across the Mars Hoax and recently I came across a new phenomena. Groups and applications surfaced asking people to sign-up so that they could finally put the Six Degree Separation hypothesis to the test. You've probably heard about it, the hypothesis claims that people are connected via an average of six links. Links being friends or acquaintances. Around 12 million people signed up on Facebook to try and help the 'research' to prove this hypothesis.

Maybe it's just me but if I were to wake up tomorrow and the headlines would read: Six Degree Separation A Proven Fact! First, I'd be amazed by how the glorious 21st century research has just proved beyond doubt that, on average, I could be linked to a random dude in Boston over six links. *gasp*. Let me take a second to absorb this shock.............. ok, much better now. Second, I'd ask myself, so? What is the real reapplication of this 'discovery'? For sure there will be need for it in a weird sociological research about an extinct aboriginal tribe, but apart from that, how would this 'fact' help those 12 million people who are actively trying to prove it?
It wouldn't.

In the meantime, real distributed computing projects like: http://folding.stanford.edu or http://setiathome.berkeley.edu are suffering from a much, much smaller user base (as small as 200,000 users in some cases). Those projects only ask for some spare CPU cycles from your PC when you are not using it in exchange for trying to understand and solve real-world problems. These efforts have tangible results that will help make life better for all of us, yet the stupidity of the masses prevails.

2008 Resolutions

After my initial draft, did some thinking and adjusted my final resolutions for 2008:

1. I'll pursue to completion one personal goal in life.
2. I'll read more, especially in new topics/areas.
3. I'll continue going to the gym to lose 10KG.
4. I'll be a better son.
5. I'll start conserving water and electricity where/when possible.
6. I'll continue to travel, visit 3 new countries.
7. I'll do one thing about my interest in Stand-Up.

Recovering...

Dangerously high al-ke-hole levels are subsiding...
I'm recovering quite nicely, weather is a fantabulous 19C...
Must go out tonight...


P.S: Frozen Wasteland @ -14C ....hehehehe... the suckers...

Reminiscing About 2007

2007, also known as The Year of The Golden Fesh was a good one. Here is to 2007 that saw:

1. The humble starts of my stand-up comedy career.
2. Me give-up coffee.....mmmmmm...coffffeeeeeeee.
3. The end of my long-haired, gay, Mexican pool-boy look.
4. The Rise of The Lord of The Fesh
5. The unsociable Fesh succumb and join Facebook.
6. Me break my bed due to ..*ahm*... my highly active and athletic sex life.
7. Me psychotically countdown (T-10/T-9/T-8/T-7/T-6/T-5/T-4/T-3/T-2/T-1/T) to the Simpsons movie. And then watch it an undisclosed number of times.
8. Me expose my sever case of untouchy-unfeely-ness to the world.
9. The rise of Iron Fesh
10. The beginning of my career as a published author (Nov07, Dec07)

Although 2007 had it's fair share of sad events too, I have to decided to reminisce only about the good ones! In a couple of hours I'm heading to the uber new year's PARTAAAAYYYY to welcome 2008 in style! Have a great one everyone and

Nasdrovia!

My Dream Job

I am sure there is more to me than my professional status as a corporate whore. On the other hand, I have consciously voted against leaving my mark on humanity. After all, if I discover cure for AIDS and end world poverty by the time I'm 40, life would be boring afterwards. I have done a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion that coming out infornt of a live audience (or TV viewers) and making a complete ass of myself is very appealing. I think I have the potential to be a stand-up comic. Even better, I'd have my own late night show, I would be a funnier and more handsome Jon Stewart. I have a lot of respect for folks like Seinfeld or Jon Stewart. It takes a lot of skills and a hell of a personality to do what they do. You just need to see how when small (and mostly unplanned) things happen during their shows, like a certain reaction from the audience and how quickly they adapt and react to it. They are extremely smart, funny and the best thing is that they think on their feet. I really want to attend improv 101*.

But back to my show, I think I'll keep the smart-funny take on world news that Jon Stewart offers but would add a twist of the trademark Seinfeldian sarcastic humor about everything. It would be perfect, I'd watch it and even buy it over iTunes.

*Disclaimer: Intention to attend an improv class qualifies as doing "ONE thing towards my obsession with Improv/Stand-up". I hereby consider resolution #4 (pls reference previous post) completed.

New Year's Resolutions - Take I

I'm happy I did quite well on most of this year's resolutions, and I have been thinking about next year's. One thing I wanted to change is to be more specific, this will probably mean smaller resolutions, but much more actionable. I'll also go with 7, for the sentimental value.

1. I'll close the water tap when I'm brushing my teeth (Green Fesh).
2. I'll lose another 10KG (Iron Fesh).
3. I'll read more (Intellectual Fesh).
4. I'll do ONE thing towards my obsession with Improv/Stand-Up (Funny Fesh).
5. I'll complete ONE personal goal in life (Normal Fesh?).
6. I'll be a better son.
7. I'll continue to travel, visit 3 new countries. (to add up to 39 out of a target of 100).

Still a first take, I'll adjust and finalize by first week of Jan.

A History of God

Growing up as part of a Christian minority living within a Muslim majority forces you to hang on to your religion. Although I am not religious, I have a lot of respect for my religion and its significance to me and my family. And it's really sad to see how the world is going through some religiously turbulent times nowadays. The rise of fundamentalism has caused a lot of uncalled for inter-faith hate. To many, current day Christians are neo-Crusaders, Muslims are terrorists and Jews are superevil, baby-eating conspiratorial aliens who actually built the pyramids. I think it's safe to say that all 3 are just stereotypes fed to the uneducated masses by years of propaganda that serves a certain hidden agenda (I stole that line from somewhere, clearly it's not me). And it doesn't stop there, religious discrimination and prosecution is everywhere, Christians in the Arab world, Muslims in Europe, and even Muslims by fellow Muslims in Iraq for example.

What's even more dangerous, in my opinion, is that sometimes families tend to socialize their kids about how their religion/faith is the greatest and how other faiths are not. Growing up, I remember things like: Jesus the son of God! The son of God walking on Earth! Jesus didn't die on the cross! thrown at me by my 'friends' at school when we were only in 4th grade?! But I can't judge because I too have been socialized with a lot of 'wrong things' with Islam.

Maybe it's just me, but from where I stand it is a gloomy picture, so amidst all of this I decided to be part of the solution and seek to understand. I started reading Karen Armstorng's
A History of God. This book doesn't preach religious tolerance to its reader, it demands it. I was impressed by how extremely similar different faiths are to each other and how all those misconceptions you hear about, make a lot of sense when you read about them in an unbiased context. I've just finished the book and I feel I have a new found understanding to both my faith and other's. I believe this book should be a mandatory reading to graduate from high school if we want to have a shot at a peaceful future.

P.S: Sunny elCairo, I love you.

elCairo: I'm Lovin' It.

It's 3am, just back from my first night out in elCairo. Amazing. Nothing was planned, Feedz picked me up at 8pm. Had a great time, ate uber foul @ Shabrawy (orgasmic food). And to top it off, it's 11C now. For sure beats the current -5C in the Northward Frozen Wastelands.

I'm Lovin' It.

elCairo in 5!

Yup, I return to the sweet sweeeeet elCairo next Friday! oh boy, can't wait... great friends, perfect weather and real food! Have I died and gone to heaven?

The Sand Nigger

The Terrorist was approached by Racist Pig#2 and #3 in the underground today. Clearly the pigs were mesmerized by his beard, so black and terroristy. The pigs closed-in on The Terrorist and uttered something in the accursed Frozen Wastelandese Tongue. The Freedom Fighter explained: me no Polskie, me so horny... nothing, not even a laugh. The pigs started to use sign language. They clearly wanted to search The Terrorist's suspicious backpack. The Freedom Fighter refused, explaining that they are racist pigs who are stereotyping him as no one else is being stopped.... and that he'll sucky sucky for 2 dolla. Still no laughs, tough crowd. The Freedom Fighter asked to be taken to the Master Racist Pig, #1. There, the following exchange happened.

The Terrorist: This is racist, me being stereotyped like this.
Racist Pig#1: No, no, we are very sorry. It's not like this, we search everyone.
The Terrorist: I don't see anyone being searched.
Racist Pig#1: No, we do, it's your bag, it's big and that's why they stop you. Not because of anything else. Your ID?
The Terrorist: Here, knock yourself out.
Racist Pig#1: What do you do in Poland?
The Terrorist: None of your business.
Racist Pig#1: uhm..okay... we need to see your bag.
The Terrorist: No, if you search someone else, I'll show you my back
[The Freedom Fighter then decides to fuck with them for 20 more mins of not allowing them to search the bag, finally he lets them]
Racist Pig#1: You live around here?
The Terrorist: Address on my ID.
Racist Pig#1: Ok, so, where do you come from?
The Terrorist: ID.
Racist Pig#1: Oh, Egypt, which city?
The Terrorist: None of your business.
Racist Pig#1: uhm.. we'll check you card now, basically we'll....
The Terrorist: Spare me... I'll be sitting there.. come let me know when done.
Racist Pig#1: ah.. Ok.
*The Terrorist gives Racist Pig#1 a disgusted look and walks away. 10 mins later the Freedom Fighter is released and heads to work.

My social experiment was a complete success. I can shave my beard now, I have successfully proved that the average Frozen Wastelander has a very high chance of being a racist pig. Two years I have lived here and I was never stopped or searched, or have seen anyone searched for that matter. Add a beard and now I'm randomly selected for extra security in the underground!? Not because of my looks thought. It's because of how suspicious my backpack looks like. That makes sense.

I think I need a new backpack... one that says: No, no, I aint a Sand Nigger.

40 Year Old Fesh

There is something intimidating about a well built guy in his early 40's, who has this dead serious look on his face and walks around with a cane. I saw this dude a few days back on my way to work and right away I started wondering what's that dude's story? He is probably an ex-Alpha operative, he took part in the Russian diplomats hostage situation in Beirut, October 1985. Even though he was shot in the leg, he still managed to complete the mission and protect three of his comrades. He was flown back to Moscow where he retired and started his own business.

Or maybe he's an ex-CIA undercover operative, he parachuted into a Central American Dictator's palace to pave the way for his party's chopper that was approaching. After neutralizing twelve of the elite republican guards and securing the helipad he was shot down. He was awarded The Medal of Honour for his actions on that day.

When I'm in my 40's I'll walk around with a cane and a dead serious look on my face. When asked, I'll always reply: Oh the leg.... it's a long story.... let's just say the world is a little bit safer today.

*pause for a while, work up a teary eye... and whisper:
It was horrible....

If pressed to elaborate more, I'll make something up, it will include me, Angelina Jolie, a microchip, chocolate syrup and guns.....lots of guns.

0.5 Decades Later

Oh I remember that day, the sleep deprivation, the stress and the inhumane amounts of coffee inhaled to prep for it. But I think we put on a great show, we prepared very well for it and ontop of this we added a counter and tried to set a new world record! I think it took us 14 mins or so to generate a signature and a removal tool for a new 'malicious code'. Off course part of that demo was staged, nonetheless it was uber. My parents were pretty impressed and that's what matters.

That day was the climax of my 4.5 year rollercoaster at university, key highlights of my uni-life:
-Badminton (as gay as it sounds, big shout out to Hamema!)
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-Dressing up as a belly dancer (bra, wig, make-up and all) and showing up on campus for a party.
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-Making LOTS friends, falling in love and breaking up.
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-Representing many countries in many councils in those make-believe Model UN/AL conferences.
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-Interning with The Evil Corporation.
-Designing a full stock market simulation system and having 50 people run around in suites for 3 days trying to make money.
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-And last and definitely not least, The One, The Only, The Ultimate Nemesis. BIG SHOUT OUT to you guys, you were and are the best: Maggie, Douby, Fox, Pete et moi.

Ah.... good times, good times. I don't wish them back, I look forward to the better times to come and I wonder, where would I be in another 0.5 decades?