Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Touchy-Feely Bill

I'm a very untouchy, unfeely person. Call me cold or emotionally crippled as you wish I don't care. Back in Egypt it's very common for guys to hug and/or kiss for hello. Not to mention that some folks in Egypt apply the European etiquette and guys kiss girls for hello or goodbye. And what's with all the hand shaking going around? I really don't get it, why do we have to be so touchy-feely? I can easily acknowledge seeing someone with a nice 'Good Morning, how is everything?', a nod and a smile while I am 0.5 meters from that person! I always hate it when one of them touchy-feely folks arrive and he has to touch all 15 people sitting around the table, that's just wrong.

Sometime I think about the Touchy-Feely bill, which will be the first piece of legislation that I'll pass during my first week in office. It will mandate the following:
1. Handshaking shall be restricted to formal and business introductions.
2. Kissing for hellos and goodbyes is completely banned, The exception will be family, where moderation will be required.
3. Hugging will only be allowed in case you have not met the other person for a period greater than or equal to 3 months.
4. All lame touchy-feely "coaching" moves like patting on the back, shoulder or arm shall be considered sexual harassment in the workplace and are banned effective today.
5. All forms of touchy-feelyness between guys will be banned, touchy-feelyness however will be encouraged between hot chikitas. Ideally with some Chocolate Syrup involved ...*ahm*... can we strike that last part from the text of the bill?

ahh... the world would be a better place when I become 'Big Brother'

21 comments:

NileGirl said...

Dude, are you sure you're egyptian? Are you a germaphobe? I wouldn't blame you if you were because after reading that encyclopedia of a book about the history of everything I'm a little freaked out about bacteria too. That shit is everywhere!

Oh and kiss/kiss, hug, high five, shoulder pat, hip shove, thumb wrestle and all that good stuff to ya...

embee said...

HAH! You should try my temp workplace for a day. Some genius dude re-thought the kisses for greeting concept and guess what? The mandatory 2 kisses don't do anymore.

Bare minimum: 3
Average: 4
Super courteous: 5

On a different note, does the bill say anything about people standing too freaking close when talking to you ? I hate personal-space hoggers :/

Feshfesh said...

No man not a germaphobe... I have a loylaity card with zizo natana and baba 3abdo and don't even get me started about the glorious masmat foods....swwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeetttt.

*Fesh nods to nilegirl from a distance greater than or equal 3 meters.

Feshfesh said...

uuuggghhhh... hate those fuckers and I don't know why I have such bad luck with those thats bastards that either they stink, they're loud or -my all time favorite- graveyard-flavored chewing gum.

I think we need to amend the bill....

Jade said...

I hope you are not gonna be like that with your kids man - especially at a young age, touching is very healthy for the development of their "warm" characters! lol

No seriously - I too hate it when girls meet & they have to kiss even if it was the first time to meet her - who the hell are you bitch to touch cheeks with me!? But nevertheless - I can not deny that I am a touchy person... with the people I love...

Hey did you know in South Africa friends greet each other with a peck on the lips! (Male & Female friends that is) I hate people that stand too close when you're talking & people that have to shake hands with ALL the people at a gathering or a dinner table too (very disturbing & time wasting)

But friends... come on man!! Dont you love it when you run into a good friend that you havent seen for THREE DAYS not months & you get a nice big hug?

Always entertaining Fesh!

NileGirl said...

Zizo Natana is real?? My cousin always talks about that place and I thought he was kidding. Is it that place near il Hussein where you sit outside and the dude sticks his dirty hands into the entire jar of mikhalil, shakes it around a bit to make sure all the juice gets under his nails then pulls out a handful for you?

Feshfesh said...

Jade, well yeah with family it's different... but I donno man even with friends I don't get the need for big hug every other day...maybe it's a guy-thing or even worse maybe it's a Fesh-thing! :D

Nilegirl, I am appalled by your description of Zizo, it's a very respectable place, it's infornt one of Old Cairo's Gates, I think it's Bab Elsa3erya. And no, you sit on a comfray table (in the street) and the dude comes over and takes your order of sodo2 (not sogo2) baladi, iskandarani, kebda ......aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh STOP REMINDING ME OF WHAT I AM MISSING!

ZeRoCoOl said...

a study conducted in helsinki from '75-'95. Determined that the human body needs to be hugged/touched 5 times a day, inorder to stay healthy.

Feshfesh said...

I touch myself at least 5 times a day, I don't need more touching.

Jade said...

ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

SaRaH said...

LOL you got me all cracked with this post but i totally agree about the kissing for hellos and good byes it gets on my nerves too.
Man I can not wait till you are in that oval office..
Cheers

ZeRoCoOl said...

lol rofl TMI fish....even JADE is at a loss for words.....:D

ZeRoCoOl said...

but I love your sense of humor...do you like that The Divinyls song

"I Touch Myself"

Feshfesh said...

Jade, Zerocool, problem is I tend to use the same humor in real life, doesn't go down well with a lot of people :D ...and man, I'll download that song for sure :))

Sarah! finally a fellow untouchy-unfeely dudette! Respect man! Don't worry... when I make to office I wont forget your support. I'll have Jade and Zerocool working the swears thought, for mocking me.

Forsoothsayer said...

next time i see u i will kiss and hug u viciously. int gay emta?

Feshfesh said...

damn it.. I knew admitting this was going to be a big mistake ..ugh ..let taunting begin then.... (feels like 4th grade all over again)

Forsoothsayer said...

kisses!

Feshfesh said...

hehehehehe

kama said...

yup, thats right.
so, when we met, and i kissed your cheek for a goodbye u were thinking 'What the hell is wrong with that girl??' :> ;)

but i do it spontaneously.but DONT do it, when theres 25 ppl sitting in a pub. hate it.


so, are there any other parts of your body that u prefer not to be touched or kissed except cheeks? ;)
poooooor Feeeesh !

;)

Feshfesh said...

ouch. cheap shot man... cheap shot.

jessyz said...

Yaaaay! Please add an amendment that states personal space to be at least 2.5 meters.
Although it is lovely to get an unexpected hug or kiss from someone you care about.