Recovering...

Dangerously high al-ke-hole levels are subsiding...
I'm recovering quite nicely, weather is a fantabulous 19C...
Must go out tonight...


P.S: Frozen Wasteland @ -14C ....hehehehe... the suckers...

Reminiscing About 2007

2007, also known as The Year of The Golden Fesh was a good one. Here is to 2007 that saw:

1. The humble starts of my stand-up comedy career.
2. Me give-up coffee.....mmmmmm...coffffeeeeeeee.
3. The end of my long-haired, gay, Mexican pool-boy look.
4. The Rise of The Lord of The Fesh
5. The unsociable Fesh succumb and join Facebook.
6. Me break my bed due to ..*ahm*... my highly active and athletic sex life.
7. Me psychotically countdown (T-10/T-9/T-8/T-7/T-6/T-5/T-4/T-3/T-2/T-1/T) to the Simpsons movie. And then watch it an undisclosed number of times.
8. Me expose my sever case of untouchy-unfeely-ness to the world.
9. The rise of Iron Fesh
10. The beginning of my career as a published author (Nov07, Dec07)

Although 2007 had it's fair share of sad events too, I have to decided to reminisce only about the good ones! In a couple of hours I'm heading to the uber new year's PARTAAAAYYYY to welcome 2008 in style! Have a great one everyone and

Nasdrovia!

My Dream Job

I am sure there is more to me than my professional status as a corporate whore. On the other hand, I have consciously voted against leaving my mark on humanity. After all, if I discover cure for AIDS and end world poverty by the time I'm 40, life would be boring afterwards. I have done a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion that coming out infornt of a live audience (or TV viewers) and making a complete ass of myself is very appealing. I think I have the potential to be a stand-up comic. Even better, I'd have my own late night show, I would be a funnier and more handsome Jon Stewart. I have a lot of respect for folks like Seinfeld or Jon Stewart. It takes a lot of skills and a hell of a personality to do what they do. You just need to see how when small (and mostly unplanned) things happen during their shows, like a certain reaction from the audience and how quickly they adapt and react to it. They are extremely smart, funny and the best thing is that they think on their feet. I really want to attend improv 101*.

But back to my show, I think I'll keep the smart-funny take on world news that Jon Stewart offers but would add a twist of the trademark Seinfeldian sarcastic humor about everything. It would be perfect, I'd watch it and even buy it over iTunes.

*Disclaimer: Intention to attend an improv class qualifies as doing "ONE thing towards my obsession with Improv/Stand-up". I hereby consider resolution #4 (pls reference previous post) completed.

New Year's Resolutions - Take I

I'm happy I did quite well on most of this year's resolutions, and I have been thinking about next year's. One thing I wanted to change is to be more specific, this will probably mean smaller resolutions, but much more actionable. I'll also go with 7, for the sentimental value.

1. I'll close the water tap when I'm brushing my teeth (Green Fesh).
2. I'll lose another 10KG (Iron Fesh).
3. I'll read more (Intellectual Fesh).
4. I'll do ONE thing towards my obsession with Improv/Stand-Up (Funny Fesh).
5. I'll complete ONE personal goal in life (Normal Fesh?).
6. I'll be a better son.
7. I'll continue to travel, visit 3 new countries. (to add up to 39 out of a target of 100).

Still a first take, I'll adjust and finalize by first week of Jan.

A History of God

Growing up as part of a Christian minority living within a Muslim majority forces you to hang on to your religion. Although I am not religious, I have a lot of respect for my religion and its significance to me and my family. And it's really sad to see how the world is going through some religiously turbulent times nowadays. The rise of fundamentalism has caused a lot of uncalled for inter-faith hate. To many, current day Christians are neo-Crusaders, Muslims are terrorists and Jews are superevil, baby-eating conspiratorial aliens who actually built the pyramids. I think it's safe to say that all 3 are just stereotypes fed to the uneducated masses by years of propaganda that serves a certain hidden agenda (I stole that line from somewhere, clearly it's not me). And it doesn't stop there, religious discrimination and prosecution is everywhere, Christians in the Arab world, Muslims in Europe, and even Muslims by fellow Muslims in Iraq for example.

What's even more dangerous, in my opinion, is that sometimes families tend to socialize their kids about how their religion/faith is the greatest and how other faiths are not. Growing up, I remember things like: Jesus the son of God! The son of God walking on Earth! Jesus didn't die on the cross! thrown at me by my 'friends' at school when we were only in 4th grade?! But I can't judge because I too have been socialized with a lot of 'wrong things' with Islam.

Maybe it's just me, but from where I stand it is a gloomy picture, so amidst all of this I decided to be part of the solution and seek to understand. I started reading Karen Armstorng's
A History of God. This book doesn't preach religious tolerance to its reader, it demands it. I was impressed by how extremely similar different faiths are to each other and how all those misconceptions you hear about, make a lot of sense when you read about them in an unbiased context. I've just finished the book and I feel I have a new found understanding to both my faith and other's. I believe this book should be a mandatory reading to graduate from high school if we want to have a shot at a peaceful future.

P.S: Sunny elCairo, I love you.

elCairo: I'm Lovin' It.

It's 3am, just back from my first night out in elCairo. Amazing. Nothing was planned, Feedz picked me up at 8pm. Had a great time, ate uber foul @ Shabrawy (orgasmic food). And to top it off, it's 11C now. For sure beats the current -5C in the Northward Frozen Wastelands.

I'm Lovin' It.

elCairo in 5!

Yup, I return to the sweet sweeeeet elCairo next Friday! oh boy, can't wait... great friends, perfect weather and real food! Have I died and gone to heaven?

The Sand Nigger

The Terrorist was approached by Racist Pig#2 and #3 in the underground today. Clearly the pigs were mesmerized by his beard, so black and terroristy. The pigs closed-in on The Terrorist and uttered something in the accursed Frozen Wastelandese Tongue. The Freedom Fighter explained: me no Polskie, me so horny... nothing, not even a laugh. The pigs started to use sign language. They clearly wanted to search The Terrorist's suspicious backpack. The Freedom Fighter refused, explaining that they are racist pigs who are stereotyping him as no one else is being stopped.... and that he'll sucky sucky for 2 dolla. Still no laughs, tough crowd. The Freedom Fighter asked to be taken to the Master Racist Pig, #1. There, the following exchange happened.

The Terrorist: This is racist, me being stereotyped like this.
Racist Pig#1: No, no, we are very sorry. It's not like this, we search everyone.
The Terrorist: I don't see anyone being searched.
Racist Pig#1: No, we do, it's your bag, it's big and that's why they stop you. Not because of anything else. Your ID?
The Terrorist: Here, knock yourself out.
Racist Pig#1: What do you do in Poland?
The Terrorist: None of your business.
Racist Pig#1: uhm..okay... we need to see your bag.
The Terrorist: No, if you search someone else, I'll show you my back
[The Freedom Fighter then decides to fuck with them for 20 more mins of not allowing them to search the bag, finally he lets them]
Racist Pig#1: You live around here?
The Terrorist: Address on my ID.
Racist Pig#1: Ok, so, where do you come from?
The Terrorist: ID.
Racist Pig#1: Oh, Egypt, which city?
The Terrorist: None of your business.
Racist Pig#1: uhm.. we'll check you card now, basically we'll....
The Terrorist: Spare me... I'll be sitting there.. come let me know when done.
Racist Pig#1: ah.. Ok.
*The Terrorist gives Racist Pig#1 a disgusted look and walks away. 10 mins later the Freedom Fighter is released and heads to work.

My social experiment was a complete success. I can shave my beard now, I have successfully proved that the average Frozen Wastelander has a very high chance of being a racist pig. Two years I have lived here and I was never stopped or searched, or have seen anyone searched for that matter. Add a beard and now I'm randomly selected for extra security in the underground!? Not because of my looks thought. It's because of how suspicious my backpack looks like. That makes sense.

I think I need a new backpack... one that says: No, no, I aint a Sand Nigger.

40 Year Old Fesh

There is something intimidating about a well built guy in his early 40's, who has this dead serious look on his face and walks around with a cane. I saw this dude a few days back on my way to work and right away I started wondering what's that dude's story? He is probably an ex-Alpha operative, he took part in the Russian diplomats hostage situation in Beirut, October 1985. Even though he was shot in the leg, he still managed to complete the mission and protect three of his comrades. He was flown back to Moscow where he retired and started his own business.

Or maybe he's an ex-CIA undercover operative, he parachuted into a Central American Dictator's palace to pave the way for his party's chopper that was approaching. After neutralizing twelve of the elite republican guards and securing the helipad he was shot down. He was awarded The Medal of Honour for his actions on that day.

When I'm in my 40's I'll walk around with a cane and a dead serious look on my face. When asked, I'll always reply: Oh the leg.... it's a long story.... let's just say the world is a little bit safer today.

*pause for a while, work up a teary eye... and whisper:
It was horrible....

If pressed to elaborate more, I'll make something up, it will include me, Angelina Jolie, a microchip, chocolate syrup and guns.....lots of guns.

0.5 Decades Later

Oh I remember that day, the sleep deprivation, the stress and the inhumane amounts of coffee inhaled to prep for it. But I think we put on a great show, we prepared very well for it and ontop of this we added a counter and tried to set a new world record! I think it took us 14 mins or so to generate a signature and a removal tool for a new 'malicious code'. Off course part of that demo was staged, nonetheless it was uber. My parents were pretty impressed and that's what matters.

That day was the climax of my 4.5 year rollercoaster at university, key highlights of my uni-life:
-Badminton (as gay as it sounds, big shout out to Hamema!)
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-Dressing up as a belly dancer (bra, wig, make-up and all) and showing up on campus for a party.
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-Making LOTS friends, falling in love and breaking up.
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-Representing many countries in many councils in those make-believe Model UN/AL conferences.
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-Interning with The Evil Corporation.
-Designing a full stock market simulation system and having 50 people run around in suites for 3 days trying to make money.
-Assignments, mid-terms and grades.
-And last and definitely not least, The One, The Only, The Ultimate Nemesis. BIG SHOUT OUT to you guys, you were and are the best: Maggie, Douby, Fox, Pete et moi.

Ah.... good times, good times. I don't wish them back, I look forward to the better times to come and I wonder, where would I be in another 0.5 decades?

The Fesh Factor: Dec 07

I give you The Fesh Factor article for December 2007. Oh must mention NileGirl, yes you are the "friend of mine" in the article!
(you can enlarge the picture by clicking on it and it opens up in full screen)
..and the actual article:
Hail me, for EyE R STILL DAS UBER Published Fesh.

The Fesh Factor: Nov 07

I give you The Fesh Factor article for November 2007.
(you can enlarge the picture by clicking on it and it opens up in full screen)
...and the actual article:
Hail me, for EyE R DAS UBER Published Fesh.

Blog Bitch! Blog!

I haven't been blogging that much recently. I think it has to do with my new career as a renowned writer. No, no not that I'm rich and powerful now and "blogging" is below me. I'm a few weeks away from that, it's something else. Now between the internal newsletter I contribute to and The Warsaw Insider, I have SO many deadlines. Not only the deadlines but also the fact that I'm expected to be funny with anything I write. My topics too are boxed now. For the internal newsletter it has to be work-related and not evilly sarcastic (what a waste?) and for the Warsaw Insider it has to amuse the readers about the Dilbert-style situations at the office. So now whenever I get time to write I don't blog but rather work on my articles... ugh... I guess that's how marriage feels like.

So there you have it, this is why I have been snobing you lately and not writing regularly, although I have like 10 posts in draft. I want to go back to blogging whenever I wanted about whatever I wanted, instead of having to corner my twisted mind to certain topics and write with a deadline... I need to get me some alone time with my blog... yess.. yesssss... oh the sick things I'd blog about... BOLAHAHAHAHAHA!

The BILF Hunter: Fesh

[Dudettes, if the title doesn't ring any bells, ask your boyfriends. Dudes, if the title doesn't ring any bells, update your porn collection.]

It's true, I've been hunted by Jade (The BILF Hunter) in her latest episode. It's very flattering considering I'm quite repulsive in the real world.

Normalized Fesh

I'm a big fan of debates, a few days back I tune to the Egyptian Satellite Channel (the acronym is ESC, ironic right?) and there was this talk show and they announced they'll be debating Normalization (i.e. eltatbeye3) next. The background on this one is simple, although Egypt has a peace treaty with Israel and therefore we have a political relationship, whether or not we should venture into normalizing other aspects of a mutual relationship like cultural, economic or academic is still a very touchy topic. To say that what followed was the most unprofessional, biased and lowest form of debate I have ever seen in my life is a gross understatement. Here are my very simple expectations going into the debate:
1. It will be professional.
2. Both points of view will be tackled.
3. I will learn something about Normalization with Israel.

First, there was no content as the anchor was picking on a few incidents like showing an Egyptian movie in Israel and just attacking the director of the movie, who was one of the guests. Second, I thought that the director was actually FOR normalization, which would have added some value to the debate. But later I discovered that surprisingly all 3 guests were against Normalization! Third, the anchor was clearly biased and was making sure that everyone agreed that Normalization with Israel is definitely the 8th original sin. Finally, the dumbass anchor, ended the debate with this line: Normalization should go to hell!

After 60 seconds of staring blankly at the screen I realized that this is it! I always wondered how it would feel to be mentally violated, over and over and over. That must be it.

I walked away not understanding WHY we shouldn't normalize, apart from the sheer emotional hate of the Zionist Zombies? How do we expect to progress and solve any of the outstanding fundamental points of difference we have with Israel without REACHING OUT and COMMUNICATING? All of this emotionally-charged 'No for Normalization' reminded me when in the early days of Israel, the Arab Leaders were in cease-fire talks with their Israeli counterparts and the Arab leaders refused to acknowledge or even talk directly to the Israelis! Did we learn anything from Sadat? On his own initiative he flew to Israel to resolve the issues and seal a peace treaty that returned to Egypt every single inch of its land. What ended the Cold War? Was it a policy of complete and utter isolation towards USSR or was it continuous dialog?

But screw all of that, your typical Arab will always hate the 'Satan-backed State of Israel' and unless they:
1. Returned Jerusalem to Palestine.
2. Returned the Golan Heights to Syria.
3. Allowed Palestinians abroad to come back to Palestine.
5. Stopped all acts of violence against Palestinians and Arabs.
6. Released all prisoners, Palestinian and Arab.
7. Erased the State of Israel from the map (this one is becoming a bit optional now, but highly preferable).

We will not normalize with them evil baby-eating Jews. I think this makes perfect sense, let's wait on that to happen.

Fesh=Fesh-8KG

I kicked-off my uber 6-month health plan in July with the objective of losing 10 KGs. I am glad to report that with only 6 weeks to go I am @ 80% of my target!

*The crowd cheers..

Settle down, settle down, this by no mean undermines my Feshyness. I am and will always be Big Fesh, I am just slightly lighter now... that's all. Now, I will be opening the floor for some questions. Please note that I will not be answering any questions regarding the following two topics:
A. How much do I weight now or before I lose those 8 KGs.
B. How much are those 8KG's as a % of my weight.

Yes, pls the lady at the back of the room....yes you with The Daily Obese, pls go ahead.

The Bicycle Lover

Recently there have been a couple of interesting stories about psychos having sex with weird things. I remember reading about the dude who had sex with a road sign? Aren't those signs sharp and metaly? But the most interesting one is that one, sex with a bicycle! The article explains that the 'offender' was discovered in a hostel by the cleaning staff. After knocking on the door and not getting any reply, they used the master key to get in only to find the dude nekked and pleasuring his bicycle. If you think this is weird enough, wait it get better. The first thing the cleaning staff did was call the Police! Why call the police, after walking in on a a 51-year old dude nekked with his johnson stuck in a bicycle? Here are my best guesses:
A. The cleaning staff couldn't tell if the bicycle was of the legal age or not.
B. The dude actually asked them to call the police because he was trying to get freaky with the bicycle and ended up stuck in between the gears.

Help me understand how is walking in on this pervert any different from walking in on a dude in his hotel room while he's masturbating? Don't you think cleaning staff do walk in on folks doing all sorts of weird stuff all the time? Do you think they report them? Do you read about people discovered masturbating in their hotel rooms everyday? No you don't. This case aint different, clearly he's a very sad sad old man, whose life is already down the drain (he lives in a hostel and has a casual relationship with a bicycle?). But yeah, I can see the cleaning dude's angle: Oh well why not report his ass to the police, so that he's first violated in the media and then thrown in prison only to become someone else's 'bicycle'.

Lord of the Fesh

Legend has it that ships brought the Elves from the West to Middle-fesh. Munqy, an Elven Lord, befriended Fesh Bombadil and introduced him to the saga of Lord of the Rings. Fesh was initially skeptical and repeatedly mocked Munqy for his nerdy taste. Months later the cold winter nights of the Frozen Wastelands forced Fesh to acquire the Lord of the Rings trilogy (in print format) and read it. Fesh's amazingly slow reading speed meant that he kept on reading the books till the following summer. As Fesh put down the last of the three books, he knew that his world will never be the same. Middle-fesh too will never be the same, it was then that the First Age of Middle-fesh ended.

In the Second Age of Middle-fesh, ShadShad, of the Dwarves shares Fesh's dream of holding a 12-hour-long Lord of the Rings movie marathon. On a Saturday morning, Fesh embarked on a perilous journey to cross Middle-fesh and arrived safely at the Northern Caves, where ShadShad dwelt. As Fesh entered the Northern Caves he was drawn to the DVD boxset of the Extended Edition of Lord of the Rings, Fesh held it up close and hissed: my preccccciiiioooouuuussssssss. The marathon started at noon and the by the stroke of midnight the marathon was over and with it ended the Second Age of Middle-fesh.

The Third Age of Middle-fesh started with Fesh's Journey to Mordor (a.k.a. London). Fesh first stopped at Rivendell (a.k.a. Manchester) where he met aku the Grey and there the Fellowship of the Fesh was formed. The Two Companions left Rivendell and set off for Mordor. They arrived on a cold Saturday noon where they met Lady Gogoladriel. Together Fesh Bombadil, aku the Grey and Lady Gogoladriel entered Mt. Doom and there they cast the One Ring into the fire. On that Saturday afternoon, after the curtains were closed the Third Age of Middle-fesh has passed and the dominion of The Fesh began.

[If you didn't understand anything from the above, here's the summary: I read the Lord of the Rings books in like 9 months, thanks to Munqy for recommending! I then watched all 3 DVDs (extended edition) on one day, pls spare me the nerd jokes. Thanks ShadShad for arranging that! Finally I watched the biggest theater production of Lord of the Rings in London, which was awesome. Thanks aku and Gogo!]

My Nice Lady

So, my 7-minute meditation routine took a turn for the worst a couple of months back. Yeah, after the dreaded wait is over the officer obviously started getting the REJECTED message and I can see them panicking. I like to think it's because of my intimidating rapist look combined with the rejection message. So the new extended routine includes them picking up the phone and right away calling The Party Headquarters for guidance. Then they need to pass my name over the phone along with my other info so that this info can be prepared on a punch card and then fed to the Mainframe. Off course to make things more fun they pass my name letter by letter and they don't pronounce the letters they pick a name for EACH letter, military-style ......ah I almost feel I am at Guantanamo bay already.

As per my passport my full name has THIRTY-TWO letters, so yeah, it takes a while to pass my name. After a couple of exchanges on the phone, I get my passport back with a stamp. The annoying thing is that they are very rude, they don't say anything like: Sorry for the mix-up or We're sorry we have a crappy-ass Communist-era computer system or anything. So seeing this, I started giving them some attitude, like saying something in Arabic, waving my hands in the air or my all time favorite: the look. Yeah, giving them this look that says: I'm an Arab and I know people, does the name AlQaeda ring any bells, bitches?

After a couple of times, I made a deal with myself: since I am not planning on staying in this hellhole of a country any more (shhhhh it's a secret) I just shouldn't care any more and should take it lightly. So I started messing with the immigration officers, one time as I was coming in, after handing in the passport I told the officer: Hey, I think you'll need to call your pal to check my passport, it's going to take time, so I suggest you do it right away. The dude gave me this fuck-off look and then 2 mins he was embarrassed like hell as he picked up the phone to make the call. 1 point Fesh, 0 Frozen Wastelands.

Couple of days ago as I was coming back from Mancuria this lovely lady officer after completing the call, hands me my passport back and -in English- says: I am very sorry, I know you have to go thru this every time, all your documents are in order it's just that it's the process and we have to do it. Amazing how just a simple statement like this can automatically make you forget such an annoying situation, I am intrigued by my own fucked-up psyche.

Fesh 'n Chips

Over the years I have had many enemies. aku however is my archnemesis, he dwells in his den of evil in Manchester (a.k.a Mancuria) plotting his evil plans against me. Over the years he has built his empire: The wZt empire out of his headquarters in Mancuria. Great as it is the wZt empire, it is nothing compared to the empire I have built back at the Frozen Wastelands: The eZt empire. Over the years I managed to contain the influence of the wZt empire and keep it off the continent. But recently the tides have turned and wZt empire seemed to be growing stronger and stronger, taking advantage of the internal power struggle (between me and the voice in my head) that has torn the eZt empire.

For long I have sat there and did nothing, but those days are over. Today @ 10.05 CET I landed in Mancuria to put an end to this. I am on a 5-day vacation here in the wZt empire where I shall be consuming inhumane amounts of al-ke-hole and I'd be sighted in various clubs bouncing like a cheap ho. If you are in Mancuria, you have to see this.

Fesh Factor 2.0

After my successful pitch for a column at our internal newsletter, I decided to explore if the world was ready for some of my sick sick articles. The victim was: The Warsaw Insider. A monthly life-style magazine, that's targeted at expat and foreigners living in Warsaw. I approached the editor and she asked me to draft something that is around 600 words! Now, this is longer than my average post, but I went thru my old work and pieced together something ..........and wasn't expecting much. Got a call-back, it will run in November edition!

I give you a sneak peek of the upcoming Fesh Factor article in the Warsaw Insider magazine:

The Fesh Factor

Busytoids

In my 5 years with the Evil Corporation, I’ve seen busy. You know, those weeks when your world is falling apart and you wonder who mysteriously left half of yesterday’s pizza on the porch and you discover the dog in the microwave. But recently I’ve noticed that everyone at the office is busy all the time. And I mean everyone, be it the Global Operations Director or that new hire working on that amazingly-stupid-and-dangerously-brain-cell-reducing project. According to a recent survey, 9 out of 10 corporate employees have answered ‘Yes’ when they were asked: Do you consider yourself busy? Okay, so I made that bit about the survey up. I needed to add some creditability to my article and I was too lazy to look it up online, you got me.

I guess it’s another one of those corporate stereotypes. Overtime, this stereotype got associated with young hot-shots who make it big and skip the ladder and jump on the corporate elevator, they were always busy, right? So more and more of us Homo Corporatuses (Man The Corporate Offices Dweller) are aspiring to that level of busyiness. We consider it a measure of how successful we are, if we are more busy, chances are we are more successful. We chose to be busy, even subconsciously. More importantly we chose to let other people know that we are busy. It’s become a status symbol, like driving a Beemer or wearing a Bottega Veneta.

So at that point you can more or less classify yourself as a busyitoid or a non-busytoid. If you’re a busytoids then excellent, keep up the good work. If you are unfortunate enough to discover that you’re a non-busytoids, now is the right time to panic. Chances are, your boss is thinking to fire you at this very same moment because you’re not acting busy enough at work. But fear no more, I’m here to help transform you into a high performance busyitoid. Here’s my quick 5-point rough guide:

1. Whenever someone is passing you in the corridor and says: Hey, how's everything? always answer: Busy, busy!
2. Don't answer mails on time, and when someone asks you about the mail they sent you, complain for 5 mins about the 700 mails you get daily. They don't know you get 10 messages half of which from people you don’t know offering you different ‘miracle products’ to enlarge your penis.
3. Don't get back to voice mails, you will sound very needy if you answer back, and what are you going to say: I'm returning your call! That's just a reputation killer.
4. Always block your calendar even if you don't have meaningful stuff to do. For example: 9:00-10:00 stare at the screen mindlessly; 10:00-11:00 think about my happy place ...etc. Makes you seem very busy for people wanting to book you.
5. Most importantly, always, always show up late for meetings. Come in with a pill of papers and spend the first 5 mins explaining how today is a "crazy day".

You follow this guide for 4-6 weeks and I promise you that your chances of promotion will at least double!

You should probably also know that a few of us busytoids have realized how much of a joke all of this is, after living this lie for so long. We searched and found our ‘blue pill’ out of this lie. We live in secrecy in the corporate offices, hiding, waiting. It’s easy to spot us though, we’re one of the few remaining people in the corporate offices who when asked: How is everything? We still answer, with a smile: Fine, how about you?

FeshFesh

Are you a busytoid? Write me @

Consider THIS!

Those nifty envicons (à la emoticons), like the one above, are spreading like wild fire in the dry corporate mails nowadays. First I didn't mind them, but seeing how they are spreading now at an amazing speed, made me wonder why are we not seeing more of those envicons?

Maybe one that reads:
Please consider the environment by turning off the lights as you finish this meeting.
[icon of a cute little green lamp here]

Or we can turn up the intrusiveness a bit:
Please consider the environment by reusing this plastic cup you’re having your green tea in (yes, I can see you) for your next drink.
[icon of a green arrow pointing to where the cup is]

Or being a little bit more assertive, like:
Please consider the environment by recycling …you pig.
[icon of cute little piggie]

I’m down with the whole let’s be environmentally friendly and all, it’s just the method I'm questioning. Is that really an effective way? Picture this, you get a 15-page-long email (font 8) and procced to print it to be able to review it. Suddenly you see the envicon starting back at you, you realize this one is ‘marked’ and you can’t print it. This can only mean one thing: you need to get your printing-fix from one of the unmarked ones. File>Print, 100 copies. OK. aaaahhhhh the sweeeet sweeeet smell of freshly printed email. What, you don't do this regularly?

But if the person really cares about the environment and wants to help raise the awareness of others by doing something, aren't there more appropriate ways? For example, picking a worth cause, joining or donating to an NGO that actually does something about the environment instead of only preaching to others? I once had a meeting with one of them enviconics and she actually brought a print-out of her email (which had the super kool envicon at the end of it) instead of, like, I don't know, maybe bring her laptop to the meeting, like we all do?

Bottom line is, if you picked the environment as your cause and you are taking personal actions to help the environment and you live by those principles and this envicon is part of your cause, then respect. Otherwise please spare me this hypocritical, egoistic, feel-good, space-consuming piece of garbage... and please please don't print your own mails, that's just stupid.

21st Century Colosseum

I was watching a documentary about the Colosseum on National Geographic today and the dude was explaining how it was originally designed for gladiatorial fights. Over the centuries it became a popular sport, until it was outlawed in the 4th century. Yeah, it's beyond me how it took them couple of centuries to figure out that maybe killing other humans is not a bright idea. The weird thing is that later today I saw this show ' Robotica' which basically have two teams design two competing robots and then fight them to death, you're seeing where I am going right? Do you think that this robotic gladiatorial fights will be outlawed in the future? Say 25th century?

I agree that initially it sounds like one of the many stupid ideas I blurp regularly BUT I am sure stopping fights in the Colosseum 17 centuries ago wasn't a popular idea too! And if you're thinking this doesn't apply because we can't compare humans being killed with robots, then how do you justify the current international pressure to stop the Spanish bullfighting for example?

Think about it, it's the 25th century, cyborgs roam the earth serving us in every possible aspect. They have become an integral part of our civilization. Will bot fighting be outlawed? I would argue that it would, because as our civilization progresses we develop more compassion towards others, be it man, animal or cyborg.

it begins...

So I survived the last winter in the Northward Frozen Wastelands, worst I've witnessed was -16C and I must say it wasn't that bad. Few weeks ago a friend tells me that last winter (yes the one with the -16C) was on of the warmest winters in last 200 years. So statistically, this winter is bound to be worse than last one, now that's a spirit booster? ughhhh... BRING IT ON BIATCH!!!!

*You have to imagine me as this crazy Vietnam War solider who lost his legs (and mind) in Forest Gump and he was battling with the storm on the shrimp fishing boat.

My 'Professional' Nickname

I don't think I am a pleasant person to work with. I'm a perfectionist who does not tolerate failure. You know all those motivational quotes and management styles that explain how you learn from your mistakes? yeah, I don't buy this bullshit. Mistakes ARE mistakes, you shouldn't do them. Comprende?

I try to mange this sadistic-side of my personality as much as possible, but the moment I start to see someone slacking off, it's showtime. A few weeks back, I locked on such a target. It was one of the vendors I work with, my ' global vendor'. They were slacking off and the service they were offering me was becoming worse by the day. So it began, I invested so much energy in tracking everything to the utter most detail. I then kicked-off the shock and awe campaign, where I waged war on all fronts, picking up all the issues and scrutinizing them. It didn't take long until the weakest links broke. Two engineers broke under my pressure and basically did some seriously wrong actions. Two managers then followed suite in two fully documented cases. My work was almost complete, I had to go for the knock-out. All of this was escalated in a cunningly evil communication plan, that targeted all the major decision makers. It was so beautiful. Major restructures are now happening, major interventions, people changing jobs ...etc.

I'm not a bad guy, I just don't tolerate failure. But if someone needs to be the bad guy to expose a certain failure, I'd gladly do it. Sources inside my 'global vendor' tell me that they gave me an internal nickname, it's: The Bloodhound.

I think I like it.

*EFPoC(tm) Moments

*EFPoC(tm) moments are all around us. We live thru them everyday, you just don't realize it. Think about the moments when you felt the whole world is conspiring to help your cunningly evil plan. This is usually when you imagine yourself laughing a hysteric, diabolic, loud laugh, in your secluded castle, thunder in the background and all. Off course, if you have your own secluded castle already where you regularly do that, then WOW, you're beyond help! But for the rest of us, who only imagine this, *EFPoC(tm) is the way to go. For fellow Simpsonians out there, simply said this is a classic Mr. Burns ' Exxxxxxxxcellent' moment. See life is a lot easier if you relate it to Simpsons, after all, whatever it is, the Simspons already did it.

So, here's two of my favorite *EFPoC(tm) moments:

• Boyfriend of Hot-girl-who-works-with-you-and-you-have-a-massive-crush-on dumps her. Now the coast is clear for you, she's weak and vulnerable. *EFPoC(tm).
  
• Your potential customers, whom you have been begging for the last year to consider using your service of a secure hosting facility for their sensitive data, just got hacked. Now they'll come crawling to you. *EFPoC(tm).

*EFPoC(tm) off course being: Evil Finger Pyramid of Contemplation. The (tm) is for FeshFesh Inc.

So tell me, what are your *EFPoC(tm) moments?

Feshtoid # 7982

How many mails does a healthy male African Fesh send at work per month?

A. Between 50 and 300
B. Between 301 and 700
C. More than 701

Bounce Fesh, Bounce Bounce

It's easy to taunt me, I mean with my nerdiness, pervyiness or my unfantabulous physique it shouldn't be a problem. But that on the side, my dancing skelz have been (and still are) an easy topic for taunting me. It's either that I'm THAT bad or simply my dancing is so ultimate, so uber that basically folks are intimated by it and they choose to mock or else it will control them. I like to think it's the latter, helps me sleep at night.

I don't think my dancing routine fits with any of the universally accepted definitions of dancing. I do little movements, keep my hands in my pockets and I occasionally nod while I sip my Żubrówka with apple. But don't get me wrong, I'm not that boring. Given the right level (read: 1.5 gallons) of alcohol in my blood and just the right hip-hop song and BAM! The Fesh bounces. During the few times I've been sighted bouncing, I couldn't help but wonder how I would look to the casual onlooker? With all the bad bouncing, the awkward moves, the jittery-hand movements and not to mention my massive behind; I must look like a cheep ho bouncing in a cheap New York club on New Year's Eve, 1999. Don't ask how I know this.

С Днем Рождения Спутник

*beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*
*beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*
*beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*
*beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*
*beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*

'Published' Fesh

As of today, I am a 'published' author.

*cheers* *cheers*

Thank you, thank you. I must say I couldn't have done it without your support. After the two successful rounds (Famous Fesh and Famous Fesh - Phase II) of trying to name my column to-be, we agreed that the column should be called: The Fesh Factor.

Today I came out from a meeting to find the uber newsletter sitting on my desk, I eagerly picked it up and searched all of it's pages, all 5 of them, and there it was:

The Fesh Factor: Homo Corparatus

You could literally see the angelic golden glow around the newsletter and clearly hear in the background: 'haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalelouya'. My first column was actually an 'edited' version of two of my posts (Behold, a New Species and Pyramids & Quadrants). Yeah they removed all the juicy parts :S But still I'm happy man, Now I'm a published author.

Next Stop: Nobel Prize.